Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
