I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
