Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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