She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize