so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
