his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
