i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
