A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
