Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
