I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
