I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
