Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
