Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
These tits shall not be calmed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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