I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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