Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
