i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
