I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
