Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
