when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
