I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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