Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
