Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
