I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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