dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he shaved USA in his pubs
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
