I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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