so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
