every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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