i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
