As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
