I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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