If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Watching her eat just hurts me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
