Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize