It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
