the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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