Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
