It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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