I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
