One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
