My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
