Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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