Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
