He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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