I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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