great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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