Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize