so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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