My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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