Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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