he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
