just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
