Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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