She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
