Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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