New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
