I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
