The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
