guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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