This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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