yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
