I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
