I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
