One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
