you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
